Note: this is a satirical post. I wrote it when I first launched Intergeek, but since this post I have been producing what is considered ‘helpful’ content by at least one person other than myself. If you’re looking for genuinely useful advice, you’ll want to check out my other posts. However, before that, put your feet up and enjoy this:
Don’t you just hate it when everyone keeps copying your style?
You try and come out with something new and exciting and people just don’t get it. Next thing you know, everyone is doing it.
Hipsters were producing great content years ago; now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon and you know what?
It isn’t cool anymore.
Content isn’t king and if you want to be a hipster in the SEO world then you’ve got a lot to learn.
Fortunately, we’ve put together this handy guide to educate you in the ways of hipster SEO, ensuring you can stay ahead of future trends.
You are future trends. And you know what’s in right now? Things that were cool in the past, obviously.
Hipster SEO Attire
First things first, why are you dressed like that?
You’re gonna need a black hat around here; that’s just our thing these days. Forget the
trampy upcycled clothes from the thrift shop; ignore the long beards; the skinny jeans; the lack of socks…all you need to be an SEO hipster is a black hat. Preferably vintage.
Don’t worry what everyone is saying about your new hat, there’s no need to conform. You aren’t a sheep, are you?
You’re not going to be affected by negative opinions any more.
Pretty soon, you’re not even gonna be able to hear the haters because of the sound of all that money landing in your bank after you win at the search engines.
OK, so, networking. Forget everything you’ve learned about it in the past few years; that’s not cool now, remember? You don’t want to be hanging out and interacting with popular sites, popular sucks.
You’ve got to know the right people if you want to find the good places to hang out at these days, and fortunately I am that people.
Relationship building is a time consuming process, even to just get one measly link back at the end. What’s the point in that?!
The best thing you can do is use software to generate thousands of links in minutes.
This enables you to spend the rest of your day drinking the finest roast of coffee and looking for new music by bands who don’t even know themselves that they’ve formed yet.
Where to Hang Out
I know a load of sweet, rundown link farms and thousands of niche directories that are super sick, you won’t find those douches from Moz or any other mainstream SEOs hanging out around there anymore. Just cool guys like me.
We’re kinda fussy with where we hang out.
As we all know, the higher the PageRank of a site, the more exclusive and underground its comment section becomes.
The trick when commenting is to make it abundantly clear you are, in fact, a robot. However, you still need to sweet talk the author in the distant hope that your comment may be published. Akismet knows what spammers are doing, so fool it by acting just like a spammer! It’s both genius and foolproof.
Something vague but overly complimentary, with the occasional typo, will usually suffice:
“Hey! I must say what a fantastitc job you’ve done with this piece. You really are a knowledgeable expert in this field. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting together this insightful article. Hopefully you can check out my blog sometime!”
Extra kudos if you’ve linked to a website that is selling viagra.
Have you launched a new page or product on your website that absolutely no-one will care about? Me too!
We both know the links and shares will come flooding in from all the people that aren’t interested in your truly creative attempt at news, but all we need to do is set the ball in motion through a press release or two hundred.
Not to worry! I know a heap of press releases sites (all PR6+!) that you can write a short-but-sweet, meaningless article on with up to seventeen exact-match anchor text links in. And two more in your author bio.
As well as appearing on these highly valuable websites, your article will be delivered to the inbox of top journalists around the country who definitely won’t click delete as soon as it arrives.
Even if they don’t share your content (which they won’t, stupid punks) at least your press release will be syndicated across a further fifty websites, all with links back of course.
Soon enough, you’ll have so much link juice flowing to your website that it will get drunk and stagger its way right to the top of Google.
All these sober, clean SEO websites wouldn’t dare of climbing so high.
You need to be aware of the side effects that can be brought on by consuming all of that delicious link juice whilst simultaneously winning the internet.
This might sound crazy, I didn’t believe the lads when they told me, but then I experienced it for myself. We’ve all been attacked by penguins.
I don’t know where they came from, but they were ferocious and they killed all of the visitors that were previously arriving at my uber exclusive niche websites.
That’s not even the worst of it. The other day, I was attacked by a panda. An actual panda! They might be so inbred that they are too dumb to reproduce, but they’re pretty scary y’know.
This is all because Google just follows the crowd, agreeing with every opinion that the majority have. Thin isn’t cool anymore, just ask Meghan Trainor.
The public want models to have more weight on them and Google want their websites to be chubbier too. They’re weight-ist.
Fat is in, so we love thin.
After some digging around in the temple of non-confirmist SEO, BlackHatWorld, I found that pandas hunt down your website when it’s underweight and vulnerable. They’re vicious beasts that have a burning hatred for web traffic. They can consume thousands of visitors in a single sitting.
They might be causing havoc but I love wildlife. Pandas and penguins are chill, man. White hat sheeple are all hating on these animals, well I think someone needs to stick up for them.
We used to think that organic was the best thing since sliced bread, now us hipsters despise organic.
We’re not bothered in saving the planet anymore, or the SERPs for that matter. In fact we’re more than happy to contribute to negative climate change through the use of website churning-and-burning.
Pandas are endangered creatures and with every low quality website we create, we help them populate.
Think of it as charity work…if charity work allowed you to have fat-stack-generating affiliate banners and Skimlinks.
You watch, everyone will be following this guide in a couple of years. Just remember, we were black hat before it was cool AND after it was cool.
I’m just gonna come out and say this straight.
Why the fuck would you want your site to be mobile-friendly?
What an insane investment to make when you already know that anyone cool sends hand written letters, transported by carrier pigeon.
You won’t see a pigeon losing signal under a bridge or in a tunnel.